No matter what your situation, wondering can you be in love with two people is a hard question to answer. Is it actually possible?
Can you be in love with two people? The simple answer… Yes. Have you never seen The Bachelor?
Being in love with two people is entirely possible. It may not be very common, but it is something that happens. There isn’t only enough love inside of you for one person. The same way you love all the members of your family with plenty of room left over, being in love isn’t so different.
Monogamy and the majority of society tell us to only be in love with one person and for many of us that works out, but being in love with two people happens. And due to societal norms and our own desires, loving two people often leads to heartbreak. [Read: Seriously, can someone define monogamy?]
Can you be in love with two people?
I know it seems hard to accept that you can be in love with two people at the same time. It seems wrong, unfair, and even like cheating. But, that isn’t always the case. You can be in love with one person for their honesty and kindness and another for the passion and connection you share.
Some people might say that if you think you’re in love with two people that you don’t really love either one, but that isn’t how love works. Love isn’t a science or mathematical equation. It is messy and complicated and can lead you to be in love with two people.
You could be in love with one person and meet someone else. You could be dating two people or more (like The Bachelor). Or you could still be in love with an ex while falling for someone new.
When you think about it this way, is it really that hard to fathom? [Read: What to do when you’re in a relationship but like someone else]
How can you be in love with two people?
Seriously, how do you fall in love with two people? How do you love one person and continue to love another?
Well, as you may know, love isn’t something you can control. You don’t decide who you fall in love with. It is right there in the phrase itself. You are “falling” in love which means you drop without control.
Most people, unless in a polyamorous relationship, don’t plan on falling in love with two people, but it does happen. How? You don’t usually meet someone and fall in love with them right off the bat. You get to know them and feelings form over time. This can happen in so many ways. [Read: What is polyamory and why are more people switching to it?]
You could be in a stable and loving relationship when you meet a coworker that makes you laugh. Even if it is totally innocent, you spend time together and form a bond and fall in love without ever planning to.
Or you are in love with your ex. You could have broken up months ago but still carry those feelings with you when you meet someone new and start falling for them. Or you could be casually dating two people and fall for both of them at the same time.
Because we are so conditioned to monogamy being the only way to date or love, it seems so shocking and wrong to be in love with two people. But it actually makes sense once you think about you.
You may have actually been in love with two people without realizing it. Being in love with two people doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a cheater or a player.
[Read: The ideal way to handle a crush when you’re in a relationship]
Being in love with two people could mean you haven’t fully let go of being in love with someone from your past while forming a new relationship.
This is a melancholy example but think about a widower. Do they ever really fall out of love with the spouse they lost? Even if they remarry one day, that love is still there. In this case, doesn’t it seem more understandable? [Read: What you need to do when you love two people at the same time?]
How not to be in love with two people?
Now, I know I have briefly made the case that it is totally acceptable to be in love with two people, and it is. But, not everyone finds this to be the case. In some circumstances, you may need to pick one person.
It isn’t feasible to remain in love with two people if you are in a relationship with one and not the other. If you are dating someone but are still in love with an ex, it is pretty clear that you will try to get over your ex and have a successful relationship, but not every situation is so clear cut.
Maybe you have the choice of two people. Or you don’t know if you should stay with your current partner or date the other person you love. Maybe you don’t know who you want to have a committed relationship with. Or perhaps you love one person more than the other.
How can you not be in love with two people and pick one? [Read: How to pick one person when you’re in love with two]
#1 Do not make a pro & con list. We watched Ross learn this the hard way on Friends when he made a list of Rachel’s good and bad qualities. Trying to figure out who you love more or who you want to choose when you love two people is not an equation.
It comes down to how you feel, not how they add up on paper. This will only end up making you more confused. [Read: These tips will help you transform your love life]
#2 Are you truly in love? Love means something different to each and every one of us, but think about these two relationships. Is it really love you’re feeling? Love most often comes with a romantic connection, sexual chemistry, and attraction.
Sexual attraction can often feel so overwhelming we believe it is love when it isn’t. Do you have that balance with both of these people or is one part of love outweighing the others?
#3 Who are you yourself with? You could have a wonderful time with both people you love. One could bring out your intellectual side while the other makes you laugh like no one else, but there is one that you feel more at home with.
Instead of looking at their qualities, look at how they make you feel. Who makes you feel the most confident in yourself. Which person makes you feel like you want to be the best version of yourself? [Read: 20 questions to help you choose between two people]
#4 Who do you want around when times are good and bad? This is a big question but could be the one that gives you your answer. When something great happens like a promotion at work, who is the first person you want to share that with? Who do you want there when you celebrate? And equally as important, who do you want by your side when things aren’t going well?
Who will stay by your side when the chips are down? And who do you want to turn to at the end of a bad day? This is the person you are already leaning towards but just weren’t aware. [Read: The 11 signs you have found the one who completes you]
#5 Does one person distract you from life? When you love someone, you have probably spent a decent amount of time with them. When you’re with them, do you shut out the rest of the world? Do you ignore your phone and enjoy your time?
This can feel like love, and may even be, but is that really sustainable in the long term? Do you want to spend your life with someone that distracts you from the every day or someone that makes every day annoyances better or even enjoyable? [Read: Here’s how to pick between two guys when you just can’t make up your mind]
#6 Is either person right for you? Just because you are in love doesn’t mean either person is your person. It can seem wrong not to pick one person when you know you love both, especially if they love you back. But, making a choice between two people you love isn’t about what is right and wrong or fair.
I know I keep bringing up The Bachelor, but it really is a prime example of this situation. When the suitor loves both women at the end, he ultimately picks one for a romantic proposal, but very often the couple breaks up soon after.
It isn’t because they weren’t in love or that it would have worked out with the other woman, but he wasn’t meant to be with either. It would seem wrong for him to pick neither woman, but when it comes to love, there really is no right or wrong.