At first, I was like an open book when it came to dating. I was not scared of letting myself be vulnerable and taking chances on guys. How else am I supposed to find my one, if I don’t take chances on them? That’s what I initially thought…

But then I started dating too many narcissists who only made it that much more difficult for me to open up, as they were so busy thinking about themselves, and never letting me shine. Soon came a ton of disappointment, then heartbreak, and now I am barely a shadow of the girl I used to be…

Dating narcissistic assholes made me doubt myself, feel like I wasn’t good enough, and I was always lacking attention that I felt I deserved, but never got.

Now, I’ve put up walls, and I’m not sure if anyone will be able to break them. I hope you can learn something from my mistakes as I’m retracing the steps that led to my emotional unavailability, desperately hoping to overcome them someday…

1. At first, I was very open and honest

I really didn’t know how to be any different. The first guy I dated was a sweet, gentle soul, who never made me doubt myself, and I was really happy and fulfilled with that relationship.

Unfortunately, as life went on, our paths just weren’t crossing any longer, and we had to break it off and follow our hearts wherever they took us.

2. Then came my first heartbreak

First heartbreaks are always the worst… I felt like I would never recover. I thought that I had lost my forever guy. But luckily, after a while, my feelings decreased, and I realized that even though I loved him, it was the right thing to break up. As hard as it seemed, I knew better things were in store for me.

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3. I kept giving my heart, and getting it broken

I made myself never lose faith in love… I knew there had to be someone who would treat me the way I deserved! But I kept finding guys who were so self-obsessed, inconsiderate and only appearing nice and kind while they were trying to win me over.

But once they did, they treated me like I was beneath them and made me feel that I should be thankful they were blessing me with their presence. It was really hard having my heart broken so many times and finding the strength to keep going.

They made me doubt myself and feel like I was less worthy somehow. That is what a narcissist will do to you… I know it all too well now.

4. I began to hold back in order to protect myself

After experiencing so much pain and disappointment with narcissists, I decided I would no longer allow that kind of an imbalance in a relationship. I was adamant not to give my heart that easily to anyone again. I was so scared of getting burned again.

I decided that I would give myself time to try and find a man who was in touch with his emotions and would treat me kindly. Unfortunately for myself, I never found a guy like that… and this made close up completely. I no longer trusted myself to find my equal. I shut down.

I became a mere shadow of my former self. I hate what they did to me, but I no longer feel comfortable opening up to anyone. I am trying to protect my heart because I don’t know how much more heartbreak it can sustain.

5. My walls are so high that I’m scared nobody will be able to break them

Now, I am a totally different person. I used to be so happy, open and ready for anything life threw at me. And now, I refuse to open up to anyone. If I somehow manage to get myself out on a date, I deflect any real emotions with sarcasm and jokes. If I see a guy is really interested, I take a step back and put him off by appearing uninterested.

If only I could tell them why I am the way that I am now… It’s not like I don’t want to find emotional stability and be happy! I’m just scared of repeating the same mistakes again…

It’s going to take a very special man to break my walls and make me show my vulnerable side again. I am doubtful that it is even possible now, but I truly hope somebody will appear one day and prove me wrong.



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November 2020
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