Even though it’s not manly to say this, I cried my heart out on the night we broke up. I lost a part of myself, a best friend, a lover, everything—but there was no other way.

She was the girl who loved me more than anything, more than herself even, and my feelings for her weren’t far behind. I truly did love her like no other.

She was the light of my life. She was there to pull me up when I was falling into darkness. She made my bright days even brighter. Her selflessness was one of the things I admired the most.

I knew she would stand by me through good and through bad, and I appreciated her a lot because of it. Women like her are so rare these days.

There was something about her that brought calm and happiness into my life. Just watching her sound asleep on the pillow next to mine filled my heart with joy.

My favorite thing was holding her tightly in my arms, and I made an effort to do it every chance I got.

For the first time, I wasn’t scared to be that close to someone. She broke my shell, and I really opened up to her. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to tell her everything, even the things that I wasn’t so proud of.

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I did my best to call and text often, not just because she wanted me to but because I missed her when she wasn’t around. Most of my free time was all hers.

I really did my best. I really tried to be the man she needed.

But to her, it wasn’t nearly enough. I guess she felt that compared to hers, my efforts were minimal.

She wanted all my time. She wanted me to text her 24/7. She wanted me to spend all my free time with her. We would always get into an argument or she would be upset when I hung out with my friends.

She would say that everything comes first, and she comes last. But it wasn’t like that at all. I just never understood why it had to be ‘either or’. My friends are also important. I shouldn’t cut them out just because I’m in love.

I really became exhausted from all the texts and phone calls. It was sweet at first, but it became overwhelming as time passed by.

I felt like she didn’t trust me. I felt like all my efforts were in vain.

She really flipped my life upside down, and I didn’t mind. I slowed down. I changed, and for the better part of the time, that change was welcome. She changed, too. It was almost like she dedicated her life to me.

She only cared about what I did and what I was up to. She ignored all her interests and goals. She even ignored her friends. They used to reproach me for keeping her away from them. Little did they know that I was the one telling her to see them more often.

We lost ourselves in this love.

We lost our identities. We became mere shadows of people we had been. She got lost in her love for me so much that her life revolved around me, and it was overwhelming.

I got so lost in my intentions to please her and prove to her that she mattered the most that I felt caged all the time.

We weren’t happy anymore. We didn’t laugh like we used to. We weren’t as comfortable or open with one another anymore. We weren’t functioning.

We suffocated our relationship. We killed it because our lives outside of it ceased to exist.

We should have never allowed it to go that far. Now there are so many things that were said and done that we can’t take back. There’s so much pain between us.

I just want her to know that walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but there was no other choice. We weren’t ourselves anymore.

I still wish we loved one another more freely and had allowed our love to breath and grow bigger. I still wish that we had known better. I still care for her. But there is no going back.



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January 2021
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