Having someone in your heart but not being able to have them in your arms is a painful predicament.
I’m not sure of the exact moment my heart chose you but I do know that ever since that moment, I have been head over heels for you. And my love has only grown with time.
Sadly, for me, this love I feel is not the kind that leaves you with butterflies in your stomach or the tingling sensation you have when you are near him. No. My love is the hopeless kind. The kind that leaves me broken and faced with the reality of it not being reciprocated.
I know it’s difficult to grasp the fact that I can love someone who doesn’t seem to be too concerned about me but this is my truth and I need to come to terms with it.
I live with a persistent feeling of absence and the misery of not having you by my side. It’s the constant yearning of my heart for you but you barely know I exist. I’m sad that the thing my heart wants the most is something I’ll probably never have.
As much as I would like to forget you, I can’t. God knows I’m trying.
I have tried to mask my pain and trick myself into thinking that not getting any attention from you doesn’t affect me. I have tried to tell myself that this is just a passing feeling and that as soon as I meet someone new, this thing I have for you will vanish from my heart and mind.
I’m doing my best not to think about you but every time we cross paths, my heart sinks a little deeper. Every time I hear your voice, I ache inside knowing that it is not directed at me. Every time I see you laughing, I know it’s not because of me. All these things break me one tiny piece at a time. How did I manage to fall so hard for someone so elusive?
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I feel like life is playing a really cruel joke on me. And I am ready for it to stop. My feelings are only intensified every time I see you and I can’t bring myself to move on from you.
I can’t blame you for anything, though. I’m sure you have noticed how awkward I get around you. I’m sure you’re wondering what in the world is going on with me when I just stare at you, not being able to utter a single word, trying so hard to keep my composure but it’s hard having to pretend all the time.
If only you knew how I felt inside and the feelings that are going through my body every time you are within reach. My soul aches for you but my mind is telling me to keep my cool.
The only thing that saves me is not wanting your pity. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me. I don’t need your attention solely because you feel bad for not feeling anything for me. At least I have that much respect for myself.
I am trying to manage mastering the art of being composed around you. I have managed not to let myself break every time I see you. I have accepted the fact that our hearts will never be intertwined and that I will never be the one to kiss you or comfort you.
I know that there is probably someone else who makes your heart sing with joy. I know there is probably someone else who loves you almost as much as I do. I just hope they give you everything you deserve, the way I would. I hope you are not taken for granted and that whoever gets to wake up next to you is aware of how lucky she is. You deserve nothing less.
This love I feel for you has done more damage to me than good but at least it made me realize one thing; it made me realize that I am capable of loving this hard. Now I know how much I am capable of giving and if I love YOU this much, there is no telling how much I can love someone who will return that love to me.
And that is what gives me peace of mind and hope in my heart.