Sometimes we are in relationships, then single again, then happy again – most of us have already experienced the love-up-and-down. For some people, however, that is different, they seem to see little or no partnerships. In general, this is by no means to be classified as negative – every person may and may freely decide in which relationship construct he or she feels comfortable. It is important to pay attention to this “well-being”: If the only permanent single in the circle of friends begins to suffer, because it may not work for him, he or she should listen carefully – and act:

If one suffers from his fear of relationship, because one would like to have a relationship, but either can not “allow” any closeness or dumb from one one night stand to the next, according to psychotherapist Dr. med. Monika Wogrolly first important to recognize the roots of relationship anxiety. Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, saw a close connection between fear and pleasure. Someone who is afraid of attachment (eg in a partnership) often does not dare to admit that he actually has a secret desire for it and desires nothing more sincerely. The desire, the desire are repressed. Because: After all, you always take a risk when you enter into a relationship. The biggest dangers involved are dependency on the partner and the loss of the relationship, being abandoned,

People who belong to Dr. Wogrolly come because they suffer, she advises, first to find themselves. How it works? By looking at how the relationship to oneself is. Whether I actually treat myself as well as a friend or whether I do not allow myself feelings, out of fear of disappointment, loss, mental pain and therefore prefer an “object relationship” of a fulfilled love. Since a partner’s partner can not hurt so much when he consumes it and makes it the object of use or the object of the need satisfaction, as if he really lets him in and in his heart. Who has no relations, although he would have the possibility, according to Dr. Wogrolly ask what he really wants. Love is always a decision.

Therapy for attachment anxiety necessary

Binding anxiety should be treated when a person hinders himself from happiness. A sure indication that a person should go into psychotherapy is a pathological avoidance and long-term social withdrawal. If someone is shutting themselves out of bondage anxiety, the alert level is red. Then you should therapeutically lure him or her from the reserve and work intensively on the reconstruction of the lost trust.

The causes of attachment / relationship anxiety are Wogrolly mostly in insults and disappointments, often already in childhood. When a child is conditioned to do so, as it happens time and again that a caregiver leaves it for no reason (death, separation of parents, other reasons), that person often develops such a self-image as an adult. In her new book, The Relationship Formula, she describes this as a “curse as in the fairy tale of Sleeping Beauty” – when the person concerned thinks about himself: “I’ll leave sometime anyway”. And experienced himself as worthless because she was unable to gather stable stable relationship experiences during her childhood.

Good chances of healing

The good news: healing is according to Dr. Wogrolly almost always possible, as soon as one discovers his “inner design”, the wrong “relationship formula”, makes them aware and then gradually freed from it. And now the not so good news: Trapped thinking and behavior patterns can not be wiped out in no time and replaced with new ones. This is a growth, a maturing process, which the person should want, because psychotherapy only works as a joint project of therapist and client. It should be a kind of “dry training”: with the therapist z. For example, when training “confidence” and “relationship,” the fear of being rejected or failing is anticipated, analyzed, and emotionally integrated. The fear of relationship is gradually transformed into a desire for relationship.

What are the signs of a relationship anxiety?

Notes are:

  • Rigid on-off mode in relationships or
  • Always wrong mate choice (“I always get to the same …”) or
  • Avoidance behavior (withdrawal before it becomes “really serious”)
  • Self-image of the princess on the pea (beliefs like “I never find the right one”, “No one can take it with me” or “No one can fulfill my high standards”
  • Self-image of the victim (beliefs: “I am not granted happiness”, “I always leave everyone”, “I always stop suddenly”)
  • Self-image of the Cinderella (“Nobody recognizes my value”)

If it is “only” uncertainty, everything is in the green. Is it really fear often in the red. Uncertainty makes us cautious, fear can paralyze and imprison us. With inner blockades, therapy is indicated to free us from the shadows of old relationship formulas for our relationship happiness and to bring these inner beliefs and thus the relationship with ourselves in their best form.

About the person:  Dr. Monika Wogrolly  is a psychotherapist in Graz, Vienna and St. Radegund and author. In her book “The Relationship Formula” she discusses how it can succeed in overcoming inhibiting relationship patterns and releasing positive forces that help to make life active and self-determined.