If you’re someone who has a tendency to rush into things, you end up in an instant relationship. Here’s how to slow it down so you can be happy.
Relationships aren’t meant to be super short lived and they’re not meant to build up super fast. When that happens, you create an instant relationship and I think we can all agree that instant anything isn’t as good as the real thing.
Instant Mac ‘N Cheese? Gross. Instant spray tans? Not good.
There’s a reason many unsuccessful relationships begin very quickly. Two people become attracted to each other and immediately jump right into something serious without taking the time to fully get to know each other. When this happens, those people become unhappy very quickly and their relationships fail.
What is an instant relationship?
If you’re a little confused thus far, let me explain. An instant relationship is when you meet someone and fall “in love” with them in a very short amount of time. Due to the short time you’ve known them, things usually end up going very bad very quickly and the relationship will almost always fail. [Read: 20 signs your relationship is moving way too fast]
Why you should always take a lot of time to get to know someone deeply
The person you enter into a relationship with is someone you should know very well. You should never agree to be in something serious unless you know how they act given any situation. Only then will you be able to realize if you truly care for that person.
Which means you need to slow it down and take the time to get to know them. Ask them deep, meaningful questions that show you who they truly are. Find out what they’re like on their worst day. Then you’ll know for sure if you’re ready for the real thing with them. [Read: 20 revealing questions to get to know someone better]
How to avoid falling into an instant relationship
It’s not easy to stop yourself from falling for someone when you really, really like them. But if you actually want to make a relationship with them work, you have to. Here’s how you can stop yourself from rushing right into a relationship with someone you hardly know.
How to know if you always end up in an instant relationship
Before we start on how to avoid this, let’s first understand how to know if you’re guilty of this or not. Sometimes it can be difficult to tell but if you can relate to any of these things, you’re an instant relationship person. [Read: How to keep from moving too fast in a new relationship]
#1 You ditch your friends once you meet them. This is a classic thing a lot of people do when they get into an instant relationship. They forget their life completely and ditch all of their friends along the way. This is not only bad for your relationship, but for your friendships too. Make sure you’re keeping ties with those closest to you.
#2 You feel like you’re in a full-on relationship after the first date. You should never feel like you’re already in a relationship after the first date. It’s very early still.
You should only have a vague idea as to whether or not you want to try to have something with that person. If you feel like you’re already together, it could be a sign of an instant relationship.
#3 You treat them like a long-term lover. You shouldn’t feel the need to treat them as if you’ve been together for a long time. You should treat them like you just met a few weeks ago – because that’s when you did. Anything else can be a sign of bad news. [Read: How to treat your partner like royalty and wow them every day]
#4 You have sex almost right away. Sex is something that can be difficult to talk about because when your desires run high, you want to get satisfied. But you can’t make a relationship work if you jump into bed with someone before you even know them. If this is you, try to slow things down next time.
#5 You feel upset when you’re not with them. This is the real giveaway of an instant relationship. When you feel upset and even depressed when they’re not around and you’ve only been together for a short time, it’s unhealthy and it won’t work out in the long run. Try slowing down and spending more time with friends and doing things you enjoy. Be happy by yourself, first.
How to slow it down and set yourself up for happiness
If the above signs describe you, here’s how you can slow things down with the next person you’re dating so you can really get to know them and increase your chances of a happy relationship. [Read: Falling in love fast and why you need to slow down]
#1 Set a timeline for yourself. Don’t allow yourself to be monogamous with someone until 2 months of dating them. This timeline can ensure you know them very well by the time you make a commitment. You’ll have been seeing them for a reasonable amount of time before declaring yourself theirs.
#2 Don’t see them more than twice a week for a while. Any more than this too soon can make it very difficult to keep things slowed down. So try not to exceed two days per week for the first month or so. [Read: How to make him miss you and call you more]
#3 Spend more time talking than you do kissing. Whenever you feel the need to make out with them, stop and ask them a question instead. Focus on having great conversations instead of great kisses.
#4 Ask meaningful questions that reveal who they are. Don’t just ask the classic, “What’s your favorite color?” question over and over again. This will tell you nothing concrete about them. Ask real, meaningful questions that make them think and show you who they truly are.
#5 Talk about it. This will actually be one of the harder things to do, but it can help the most. If you just discuss the fact that you want to take things slower, the person you’re dating will understand. They’ll respect your boundaries.
Just explain that, in the past, your relationships have been very quick and you’d like to really get to know them before diving right in. If they refuse this, they aren’t worth your time anyway. [Read: How to effectively communicate in your relationship]
#6 Stick with your normal schedule. Don’t drop everything the second they become available. If you get rid of your everyday life for them, you’re going to move far too fast and it’ll be unhealthy. You need to keep your life together when you’re with someone else.
#7 Maintain your hobbies and activities. Just like you can’t drop your everyday schedule, you can’t stop doing the things you love. If you had volleyball every Tuesday night before you met that person, then you should keep doing that every Tuesday night. Instead of ditching it to hang with your new beau, why not just invite them to watch instead? [Read: 20 common signs of a people pleaser you just don’t see]
#8 Avoid staying the night. Spending the night with someone bonds you a lot faster than when you don’t. Therefore, if you have trouble moving too fast, spending the night will make things worse. Avoid it until you’re ready to be in an official, long-lasting relationship with them.
I know how hard it can be to slow things down when you have strong feelings for someone. But in order to set yourself up for happiness, you can’t jump right into an instant relationship.