You might find yourself torn between two lovers and in need of some help. If you’re lucky enough to have this issue, here’s how you can decide.

Not many people will be faced with the decision to choose between two people they really like. Even if a person is torn between two lovers, one person usually doesn’t reciprocate their feelings all that much. It’s uneven. So if you’re in this situation, count yourself lucky.

Or not, because this will be a very hard choice to make. If you’re genuinely into two different people who both want you back, you’ll have to do some serious thinking. This will be a major decision, so make sure to think through things deeply.

The biggest problem with having to choose between two people

Some people don’t really understand why it must suck to be torn between two lovers. Honestly, they just don’t get it. They think that you can just pick one and be completely happy with them so what’s the problem?

Well, you have really strong feelings for both people. If you lose one of them, you’ll end up hurting. So either way, you’re in pain. That’s what makes the decision so hard. No matter what you do, you’ll be hurting someone you care about and you’ll be hurting yourself, too. [Read: How to make up your mind when you’re in love with two people]

What to do when you’re torn between two lovers

If you’re stuck and have no idea what to do, we can help. Just remember that it’s ultimately up to you and you have to do what’s best for your future. That being said, here’s how you can make a decision when you’re torn between two lovers.

#1 Get to know each deeper. You should’ve already known to do this but better late than never. Make sure you really, really know each of them at their core. I’m not talking about knowing their favorite colors or their favorite foods.

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Know what they’d grab if their house caught fire. Know the one thing they hate most in the entire world. You should have a really deep sense of knowing each of them. Only then can you fairly choose the right person. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone before you get in too far]

#2 Think about your future. And think about it hard. If you have no idea what you want in life or where your life is heading, can you really make a solid decision about who to be with when you’re torn between two lovers? Probably not.

Because you can’t see a future with someone when you can’t see a future at all. You won’t know who will fit best in your life if you’re not sure what that life will look like. So think long and hard about what you want for your future.

#3 Take physical attraction out of the equation. Don’t even consider what either of them looks like. Judge this as if you were blind but still had the same feelings for each person.

The reason for this is because you can easily be drawn toward one simply because they’re more attractive than the other, who might actually be the better match for you. If you couldn’t even see either of them, who would you choose then? [Read: Why is physical attraction important in a relationship]

#4 Notice your personality around each. Does your personality change with one person but not the other? Are you able to be more of yourself around one of them? If so, that’s the person you should be with, not the one who makes you change your personality.

Also pay attention to what your personality is like with each. Are your happier and laugh easier with one? That’s the person you’ll want to choose if that’s the case. Decide on the person who’ll bring out the best in you.

#5 Think about the dynamic of each relationship. How are each of the relationships? You might not be in an exclusive relationship with either but you still have a certain dynamic with them.

If you have a really fun, light-hearted nature with one but a more serious, lusty dynamic with the other, go for the fun one. Chances are, you might have a lot of strong sexual chemistry with the other one, but can you kick back and have a really good time? That’s what matters. [Read: 16 signs you’re settling in an unhappy relationship]

#6 Seek help from friends. Get your friends together and ask for their opinions. No, not on the guys, but who you seem better with. Ask who you end up talking about more and get an outside opinion on how you act with both because your friends can see more clearly than you can. Have them help you.

#7 Decide whose lifestyle is the most similar to yours. This is really important because someone with a completely different lifestyle just won’t work with you, even if you really like them. You need someone whose life is very much like your own.

Does one of them want to go out and do the things you do regularly while another would prefer to skip those things and do something they like? You don’t have to have every little thing in common but you should have a generally similar lifestyle. [Read: 13 things you need for a perfectly happy life]

#8 Think about your family, too. It’s true that your family doesn’t have to approve of your partner in order for you to be with them. However, if your family is important to you, you’ll want to make sure the other person can fit in well with them.

Which of the two would mesh well in your family? Does one person clearly stand out? You might want to think about choosing that person if your family is a major part of your life.

#9 Discuss morals and values. You need to know where both people stand on serious issues. You need to know if your morals and values line up. If they don’t, you clearly can’t be with them because you’ll have major issues down the line.

You don’t have to have a lot of things in common with your partner in order for it to work, but the things you do NEED to have in common are your morals and values. Get to know theirs and choose wisely.

#10 Do you feel like you’re cheating on one of them more than the other? This might be a little odd because you’re seeing two people. You might feel a little weird about it. But which person do you feel the most guilty about when spending time with the other? That’s the person you have the stronger feelings for. [Read: 10 guilt-free ways to handle guilt in your life]

#11 Assess how you feel before seeing each. Who are you most excited to see? Do you do anything extra special for one that you don’t do for the other? Pay attention to your mood and excitement levels for a little while and see if there’s a trend. Obviously, the person you anticipate seeing more is the person you care about more.

#12 Flip a coin. I know this sounds like the worst advice, but hear me out. If you assign one guy to heads and the others to tails, flip the coin and see who wins. Then decide how you feel. Are you relieved or disappointed? Depending on how you feel, that’ll tell you who you should really be with.


Being torn between two lovers is never easy. You’ll have to let one of them go. Make sure it’s the right one by following these guidelines for choosing which you’d like to be with.



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