It’s official: you’re in love with another man. Should you leave your partner? Before making the big leap, ask yourself these 15 questions.
You’re content and comfortable with your long-term partner and then BAM! You meet someone so funny and witty that you are convinced he’s your soulmate. Now you’re in deep trouble; you know that liking this new guy is like playing with fire, but you just can’t deny yourself this once-in-a-lifetime pleasure. You just want to be left alone to love this person without feeling guilty. But the more you indulge yourself, the harder it is to let go.
The thing is, you’re not even sure if you really want to let go. You’re in a messy situation, girl. To help you figure out your next steps, we’ve listed questions that you should ask yourself when you’re in love with another man. Be as honest as you can, and make sure you’re in a peaceful and quiet place to get clear answers.
Questions about yourself
#1 Are you experiencing a crisis? Before believing that you’re falling head over heels in love with the new guy, make sure you’re not just having a quarter-life or midlife crisis. Most women, when they reach ages that end with 5 or 0 *25, 30, 35, etc*, start to have feelings of discontentment. They start to analyze what they’ve achieved so far, in terms of career and relationships.
If they find dissatisfaction in relationships, they start to think that they must make a drastic change, or else they’ll be doomed forever. Ask yourself if you’re really not having an existential crisis, because it might not be true love, after all. [Read: 14 ways to handle a crush when you’re already in a relationship]
#2 Do you see a pattern? How are you with your past relationships? Have you fallen in love with other men outside your relationship, or is this the first time? Do you have any regrets? If you realize that you’ve fallen in love a lot of times with other men while you’re in a relationship, a part of you must doubt if this is really love you’re feeling. Maybe you’re just smitten, maybe you’re just bored, or maybe you need to fix yourself and discover the beauty of commitment.
#3 What are you really looking for in a relationship? As they say, there are many fish in the sea. For some time, though, you were so happy with the fish you had, that you didn’t care about the million other fish.
But now, all of a sudden, you’re starting to glance around. And not just look at them, but get really fascinated by them. Why are you so hooked with this guy? List his traits and see which ones you really like in a long-term relationship. At the very least, if you decide to stay in your current relationship, it can help you improve what you already have by expressing what you do and don’t want. [Read: What should you do when you like two people at the same time?]
#4 Are your expectations realistic? How do you see long-term relationships? Do you expect to be cuddled every night and given flowers on every occasion? Then you’re expecting too much! You will never feel settled with any guy. However, if you just want something as simple as to be able to laugh once in a while, and your current boyfriend has not offered you that from the beginning *or for a long time*, we don’t blame you for liking the new guy.
#6 Are you unhappy in your current relationship? When you’re in the crossroads, it is the perfect time to assess your relationship and yourself. Are you really unhappy with your relationship? Why? Is it simply because you’re bored, or are there other reasons? Do you think you won’t be bored with the new man after 5, 10, or 20 years? [Read: 15 reasons why you’re bored with your relationship]
Questions about your current relationship
#7 What do you like about your relationship? It’s important to know the positive things that your relationship has given you, whether it is security, lots of laughs, companionship, or something else. List down the positive things, because these are the things you might lose when you choose the new man. Are you ready to lose them?
#8 What do you want improved in your relationship? Of course, if you list the good, list the bad. Are these things that the new man can provide? Does this outweigh the pros you’ve listed? Are you sure your current partner can’t provide this, given the right guidance and time?
#9 Are there going to be other people affected? If you have kids, you must not jump into a new relationship, because this will stress the hell out of them. If the new man is really worth it, he will wait, as you slowly transition to a new life with him.
But let’s just say you won’t go there, that you just want to experience what life is like with this guy for a little while. How can you be sure it won’t affect your whole household? If it does, you may as well have left. [Read: To cheat or not to cheat? A guide to help make up your mind]
#10 What made you fall in love with him in the first place? When we’re in long-term relationships, it is absolutely normal for the lovey-dovey feelings to wane as time passes. Butterflies don’t stay in your stomach forever—as much as you want them to.
Then we start to forget why we fell in love with the person in the first place. All the traits we found adorable at first become unbearable. Go back to that time and recall all the things that made you like your man. Does he still have those traits? What happened? Have you talked to him about the changes?
#11 Can you live without your current partner forever? Before you fly off with another man, ask yourself at least a hundred times if you can live without your current partner. If the answer is a resounding yes, then by all means, go. This is to make sure you are not just doing this on a whim. If it’s well thought out and you’re 99% sure you don’t want to be with your current partner, that’s all you need. You don’t even have to be with the other man; just be single. Maybe falling in love with another man was the shove you’ve been looking for. [Read: 12 grim signs it’s finally time for you to end the relationship]
Questions about the new man
#12 Is it really love, or a crush, admiration, or lust? You have to dissect and assess your feelings with the new man. Are you sure what you have towards him is l-o-v-e? No one can tell for sure—especially if you’ve just met. It will take some time to really figure out. If, from day one, you know that you’re just lusting for him, you might not want to risk your current relationship.
#13 In what areas do you think you’ll clash if you have a relationship? Imagine that you and the new guy are already together. Really visualize it. Don’t get too carried away by lovely thoughts; think what your life is really going to be like on the ground, on a day-to-day basis—from your finances, to your dinner conversations, to your family gatherings, and so on. In what areas do you think you’ll clash, and will life really be better with your new flame? [Read: Help! I like my boyfriend’s best friend!]
#14 How far would you go to explore your love with the new man? Do you plan to just flirt with him, but not really entertain the idea of sleeping with him, or do you plan to go all the way and throw caution to the wind? There are lots of people who flirt around, but know their limitations *no kissing, touching, texting, etc*.
And then there are those who rarely fool around, but when they’re in love, they give it all they’ve got. You have to figure this out and stick to your plan to prevent confusion. [Read: 18 emotional affair signs you’re probably didn’t realize]
#15 Is it going to be worth it? Think hard before answering this question. Imagine your older self looking at you right now. What is she trying to say? Is she encouraging you to choose this new guy, or is she telling you that this is just a passing fancy? Thinking long-term could put things into perspective.
Being in love with someone is a heavenly feeling, but if you’re in love with them while you’re hitched, it’s a disaster—albeit an exciting and intoxicating one. If, after asking yourself these 15 questions, you’re sure that what you have with the new guy is something fleeting, drop him right away. [Read: 9 signs you subconsciously want to end your relationship]
However, if it’s clear to you that you want to be in love with the other man—even if it means risking everything you have now—then follow your heart and don’t ever look back.