Some show their avoidable true self, others a seemingly undiscovered side: the behavior of men after the separation leaves many women at a loss. Even if you think you know your partner, after a breakup, they are no longer themselves. This applies not only when it comes to your breakdown, but also when it comes to their previous relationships.
We don’t want to talk to you today about the behavior of men who were only physically interested in you. And also not about male beings who were obviously afraid of attachment or other interpersonal restrictions. This text is about the men who really love or loved you. And what it does to them when they are separated from you or someone in front of you.
If a man truly loves you , then he has taken you to his heart. And usually you stay there too. You may be familiar with the book (or film) “The Notebook”. What is admittedly exaggerated in this story is the true essence of a loving man: His great love embraces him and he will never let you go.
The results vary from person to person and you will be offered perfectly tailored solutions.
Did he ever love me?
So if we want to look at what happens to men when they go through a breakup , we should consider three circumstances: after his last relationship, during your relationship, and after your relationship. Let’s start with the latter.
A scene that is often described is where a man goes partying after a breakup and may not be alone for long. After a short while he calls you, maybe even cries, probably has a drink too. If some time has passed, he wants you back with all his might. That may leave you and many women at a loss.
You may be asking yourself first: Did I mean nothing to him? And then: should I forgive him all of this now ? If he was so easy with people again, why is it only now that he remembers that he likes me? And just when the healing process begins with you, it strikes him and he promises to change you and makes everything worse. In the end you are just annoyed.
The three phases of a man’s separation
This is only a scenario, but admittedly one that happens quite often and maybe you know it too. Most likely, he is going through one of the three separation phases of the man: At the beginning there is negation.
He feels relieved of the stress of an ending relationship with you and at the same time notices the complete overload of the situation. He is fooling himself and you, only that it will be hard to see for you.
It may either feel to you as if he never loved you or you were totally wrong about him.
But the man cannot run away from the pain of separation, he always catches up with him. This happens in the second phase, when he contacts you again for the first time and does not know whether he wants to admit his love or continue to do so that he does not need you at all. This is also the phase in which you may still doubt your separation , but admittedly he does everything to confirm you in it.
In the third phase of separation , the man has fully recognized his separation pain and probably wants you back at all costs. Some men are already very prudent here, others just don’t want to accept it. The fact is: the vast majority of women are long over a return at this point, you have most likely already emotionally separated from him.
The fear of fainting after separation
With all of this, there is one thing for you to consider: The thought that “man” cannot control it himself is unbearable. We humans want to explain everything and be able to influence everything. The impotence that you might have reasons for which he may not be able to do anything is negated and fought.
It is precisely this fact that your supposedly loving partner has no understanding for you and your emotions often seals the lasting break for many women.
Although most people separate for their own reasons, many, maybe even you, assume that it must have been because of them.
In addition, in the case of men, social behavior is often expected from him , to always be “in control” of himself and to have his emotions under control. Letting you out of his heart can mean defeat for himself and for society.
He couldn’t keep you, he failed. And for other women it is supposedly the signal: “ This man is not worth it. ”
Can’t everyone make it?
That’s why you should be careful when a man comes out of a deep separation . He seeks confirmation in you. If this is ok for you, then act consciously. But don’t think you can ever defeat his love for his ex-partner. Only he can do that.
If he realizes that it is a triumph to have separated from his ex, only then can he really love you. Otherwise there is always someone in front of you on the throne and there is nothing you can do about it.
Many believe that after a time and with the new perspective, every woman manages to convince her husband that she is ultimately only interested in her. But there is a good reason why you may have found yourself feeling uncomfortable sometimes when he suddenly talks about his ex-girlfriend.
Should you have the feeling: ” Wait, he still feels something there! “Well, then maybe you’re not entirely wrong.
The competition of love
There are two beautiful scenes. A partner was cheated.
If she cheated on him, he asks: Did you sleep with him?
If he cheated on her, she asks: Did you love her?
Women know very well that their real competition is love for another woman. Conversely, you may also be familiar with this when you actually only want a man , but you notice that he has feelings and therefore breaks it off.
So although men are often said to be superficial, this may be true for their night behavior, but certainly not for their love. If a man comes from a relationship, then he most likely still has feelings for his ex-partner .
If you are in a relationship with him, it is almost impossible that he alone will have feelings for you. If you separate yourself from him, you can be sure – no matter how he can convince you otherwise with his behavior – that you will remain with him for a long time.
What to do in the separation phases
The pain of separation goes to the deepest ramifications of a man’s emotionality. Now we could stop here and you might be pretty hopeless. If what we say is true, you can never really conquer a man, he will never completely belong to you and, to make matters worse, you can never get rid of him.
But, as is so often the case, the opposite is true: By knowing, you can actually do the right thing.
The best way to start is to admit to yourself that separation and mourning are a matter for the man with himself. You should neither take it personally nor make it your mission to be able to actively influence it.
Often a man doesn’t just nibble at a breakup . With the willingness to you, he has set out on the process of healing – maybe even especially for you.
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Part of his story
The more you ask him to speed it up, you may do the opposite.
For many men, parting with love means giving up part of his identity and history. You may not have a good feeling about it. It’s ok, honestly. But please be aware that sometimes you push him away from you if you cannot accept him with all its quirks – and its separations are part of it.
Of course, as so often, it helps if you can talk about it openly. The second you understand that his ex-girlfriend is not your competitor , but part of his biography, you can go through the healing process together.
Imagine two dialogues :
“I have the feeling that you are still fully attached to your ex! That hurts me! I thought you just loved me and the topic with her would be done! What was so great about her that I can’t offer? Was it Love ? Did you have more in common? Am I not there for you often enough? Sometimes I honestly think I can do what I want! “
“Let’s not kid ourselves: I know that there were other women before me. I know that you loved one or the other sincerely and that you certainly didn’t voluntarily part with everyone. I just want to know one thing about you: do you mean honestly with me, do you love me? Then let me tell you: If so, I am there for you and we can talk openly about your past! ”
All mourning at one time, there is one thing to recognize: a man receives something from you that his former partner could never give or wanted.
Often he can only love you and be a good partner because he knows his own wounds and emerges strengthened from them. A man who is supposed to part with his past is doomed to make his previous mistakes over and over again – and thus in his relationship with you.
Split pain of separation is half pain of separation
It is part of the art of man to repress and gloss over the past. A man who deals openly with his separation phases and his separation pain can also see what he has in the current relationship. If you realize that you are not going to climb his throne, take your consequences and do not take it personally.
Many women like to suppress the subject of ex and remain silent about it, signaling a feeling of being unwell. But just when a man can discuss his separation errors with you, a real bond can arise between you.
Perhaps you are also stipulating that he should take time for himself or with you before you are ready for a deeper relationship. In no case is it that you should relentlessly expose yourself to his feelings.
A partner he can love
You can recognize him by his behavior. If, of course, not immediately after the first couple of dates, you should talk openly about it in case it gets more serious.
Likewise, in the event of a breakup, it helps to make you aware of what it does to him. “The first cut is the deepest” – the first separation pain is the worst, as Cat Stevens aptly noted.
This is often a phase that completely overwhelms the man. Yes, and you may not recognize him. He can do or say particularly hurtful, embarrassing or stupid things. Maybe he’ll do something that makes you come back with him – and after a while end up in the same dead end. But that’s a topic for another time.
The fact is: the coping behavior of the man after the separation also has an immediate impact on you. If you want to support him, talk about it openly and invitingly. If it bothered you, be consistent .
But above all, never take it personally, but see it as part of his biography and his task to face the mourning and to overcome the pain of separation for himself. Then you are a real partner to him , possibly the only one he can ever truly and safely love.