Are you dating a narcissistic or psychopathic pathological liar? Here are three ways to find out, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy.
Narcissism and psychopathy are dark triad traits that are positively correlated with lying, deception, and unethical behaviors across numerous research studies, with psychopathy tending to be a strong predictor of lying. For dark triad individuals who have traits of narcissism, lying is often used for self-gain – they may be used to enhance one’s image, cover up deception and infidelity, or obtain romantic partners who may not be otherwise interested through tactics like love bombing and future faking. For psychopathic individuals, lying for no reason is more likely. Their lies may also be used more frequently to lead double lives, to carry out an elaborate and parasitic con to obtain resources and money from their victims, or to have numerous affairs. Psychopathy is also associated with more positive emotions when lying. Some liars may even experience what is known as “duping delight” as they lie for a thrill. Here are three subtle signs you may be dating a narcissistic or psychopathic pathological liar.
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They seem to lie to hide their wrongdoings but even when there is no reason to lie – and exhibit sadistic pleasure or extreme defensiveness or faux outrage (as well as “preemptive defenses”) when called out or confronted.
Perhaps you catch a dating partner in what appears to be a little white lie – like claiming to go to the grocery store when he was actually going for a hike. This should raise some red flags already, because it’s an example of being dishonest for seemingly no reason and in a case where the truth would not affect your relationship. If you notice many of these “little white lies,” you may be interacting with a pathological liar who has a compulsive need to lie, and this is a sign of danger all on its own, as you will have a hard time distinguishing between fact and fiction when it comes to these individuals. You may even be dealing with a psychopath, as psychopaths are more likely to lie for no reason and telling more lies according to studies. However, you may also encounter lies where there was a reason behind the lie. If, let’s say, in the same scenario, the lie was told was because they were hiking with an ex they were having an affair with. They may have acted extremely defensive or gaslight you into believing you were “crazy” when you started questioning why they got home so late, or even had a smirk of duping delight as they patronizingly told you that you were imagining things. Perhaps they even say things like, “What do you think I did? Have an affair?” even if you never accused them of such things, ultimately telling on themselves by pre-emptively framing such assumptions as outrageous – but the fact that you never mentioned such an accusation and they created these preemptive defenses themselves are quite telling.
Such scenarios go beyond just lying for a compulsive need and are due to a pathological need for power over the situation, a desire to deceive you, and control the narrative of your reality, or even for the purpose of sadistic pleasure. For sadistic psychopaths, they may wish to “taunt” you by revealing the truth disguised as a defense and experience duping delight when you appear to believe them.
Their stories may be on the elaborate side, you notice their actions and words don’t align, and you identify several discrepancies every time they tell you a new “tale.” Tales about their lives may also seem to be rigidly “rehearsed” or conveniently tell you what you want to hear.
With a narcissistic or psychopathic pathological liar, the nature of the lie is often exposed by their actions. For example, a psychopathic person who tells you they want to move in with you right away because you’re their soulmate may expose their true motives when you find out that they’re running low on funds or when they respond angrily to your boundary to slow down the relationship’s pace. Or a narcissistic individual who makes you false promises for the future may reveal their deception when they refuse to follow up on such promises or seem to withdraw abruptly after getting something they wanted from you, like sex. There may be discrepancies in their lies that you figure out over time – one day, they mention that they originally grew up in California, but then another time they declare they’re originally from Philadelphia – or you find out that they’re not actually a pilot, they’re working in a corporate office. When you question this, you’re subjected to gaslighting, rage, or a quick cover-up story that seems suspect. Perhaps their tales seem overly elaborate or rehearsed in a way that makes you instinctively question their true motives; there could be other reasons for those instances, but if you find that your dating partner seems to have a serial pattern of stories not quite adding up, you’re likely dating a pathological liar.
You hear it from the narcissist or psychopath themselves that they’ve had other victims of their lies – but they disguise it as the victim’s problem or as moral grandstanding.
One of the biggest yet subtle red flags victims can miss is that the narcissist or psychopathic person themselves will essentially tell you that they are a pathological liar – but not in the way you think they would. For example, they may go out of their way to preemptively defend themselves and their morality on a date by saying something like, “I hate liars, cheaters, and crooks!” when the subject has not even been brought up. Or they may tell a tall tale about an ex who betrayed them early on, playing the victim in a scenario where they were actually the cheater. Be wary of moral grandstanding and preemptive defenses. Most people who’ve been betrayed would likely hold off on telling such a story until they’ve gotten to know someone better (unless they are in the early stages of healing). Those who are honest in their day to day life will usually not declare it earnestly on the first few dates because that is their default way of life, and they see no reason to. Who does see a reason for defending themselves? The person who makes deception their way of life and wants to reassure others they do not. You may also run into instances of people “warning” you about this person. Do not dismiss such warnings, as they can be key to discerning larger patterns of pathological behavior.
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