Whether you do a lot of failed seeing or have a permanent date night with your couch every weekend, wondering why you’re still single is common.
I was single for six years and constantly wondered what I was doing wrong. Was it me? Was I too picky? Did I attract the wrong people? Was I meant to be a spinster? A lot of people are single because they want to be. But, I was not one of those people. If you’re wondering why you’re still single, my guess is you aren’t either.
When you don’t want to be single but are, it can be hard to come to terms with the reason or reasons why. We believe that figuring out why we’re still single is how we break out of that rut and find ourselves a relationship.
That may partially be true. It can also help us come to terms with the fact that we don’t have to think of it as still being single, but just being single.[Read: Why am I single? The things you do that sabotage your love life]
Why you think you’re still single
If someone asks you why you’re still single, you probably won’t start with your trust issues or neediness. You’ll probably say something like “I don’t know” or “I just haven’t found the one.”
We don’t like to blame ourselves for our situations. Instead, we convince ourselves that we are still single for a bunch of reasons that aren’t actually true. These things are our ways of denying the real reasons we’re still single.
If you can identify the reasons you think you’re still single, you can start to learn the actual reasons.
#1 You have bad luck. Yes, this could be partially true. God knows I used this excuse a million times, but luck isn’t all that goes into it. If you blame bad luck on your single status, you say you have no control over it and that just isn’t true.
Sure, you can’t force someone to date you, but giving into this reasoning excuses you from taking any responsibility. [Read: What it means to be your own hero and take control of your life]
#2 You’re too trusting. This is another poor excuse we tell ourselves to make it seem like we’re in the right, and everyone else is a stinking liar. We tell ourselves that being trusting is good and positive and that it isn’t our fault that we trust people.
That makes sense, at least on the surface. But, if you are saying that, it probably isn’t true. When people are too trusting, they usually aren’t so self aware.
#3 You’re an introvert. Poor you. You love being alone and at home. You like to read and watch obscure movies. The thing is there are plenty of introverts that would love to do that with you. Plenty of introverts are actively seeing . Using that as a reason for why you’re still single is a cop-out. [Read: Introvert problems? 12 quick fixes to nip the bad ones in the bud]
#4 Everyone sucks. When I was *, I felt like everyone sucked. For every 10 people I talked to, one was decent. But that isn’t the reason you’re still single.
Even though I’m in a relationship, I do believe there are a lot of crappy people out there, but weeding through them is part of the process.
#5 You don’t have time to date. Technically this could be true, but if you don’t want to be single you make the time. Yes, you’re busy. But when you want to do something badly enough, you make the time to work at it.
One of my closest friends has two full-time jobs, is in graduate school, yet still found time to meet someone and get engaged because she wanted to. If she can do it, so can you. [Read: All the ways the perpetually busy can still make time to find love]
#6 You haven’t met anyone. You meet people every day, unless you’re a recluse *and if that’s the case you’ll need a whole other article*. It isn’t a matter of meeting people but interacting with them.
You won’t hit it off with everyone, but introducing yourself to someone in an elevator, at the bar, or in line at the grocery store is how you meet people. [Read: How to make friends as an introvert who never leaves home]
#7 People are intimidated by you. I hate this excuse personally. There are people who get intimidated, but if you are holding onto this as the reason you’re still single, it isn’t out of your control.
You are letting yourself intimidate others. I’m not telling you to change who you are. But when you hold onto an excuse like this, you make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. [Read: How to be more approachable and less intimidating to people]
#8 You don’t know. You are not perfect. And you deserve love with someone amazing. You are awesome, but you are not without flaws. When single, I couldn’t think of a reason why someone wouldn’t want to date me. But, it wasn’t about that. It was about me actually being prepared to date.
Reasons why you’re still single
It probable felt a bit harsh telling you that you were wrong about why you’re still single. But, I wish someone had been that blatantly honest with me when I was driving myself crazy complaining about still being single.
When you can accept the true reason you’re still single, you can start to work on it. You can make changes or change your perspective. I’m not saying it will get you into a relationship ASAP, but it might make the process a whole lot easier.
#1 You’re not ready. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I spent years craving a relationship. In reality, if I had been in one, it would have been a mess. For most of the time, I was single and complaining, I just wasn’t ready.
It’s not that I wasn’t prepared for the commitment. I wasn’t ready to trust someone or being myself with someone. [Read: 16 signs you’re still not ready to be in a serious relationship]
#2 You’re just lonely. I don’t want to make being lonely sound so minor because it truly sucks. Being lonely can lead you to crave connection in the wrong places.
When you’re lonely, you may not be making the most practical decisions. This can lead you to calling up a dysfunctional ex or dating someone completely wrong for you. Loneliness can help you get motivated. It can also over-motivate you. [Read: Why do I feel so alone? The answer that can change your life]
#3 You have trust issues. I’m sorry to tell you this, but most of us have trust issues. If you’ve been cheated on or ghosted or just lied to, whether in dating or life, you likely have some level of trust issues.
Even if you don’t think about it, your mind subconsciously reacts to triggers and risks knowing what happened last time. It can prevent you from opening up or being open to possibilities. [Read: How to date with trust issues and learn to trust people again]
#4 You want a relationship, any relationship. People wonder why they are still single and then tell me about their last relationship. It becomes glaringly clear that they wanted a relationship, any relationship.
You try so hard to not be single that you settle for anyone who is interested. You date someone you don’t really like because there is nothing really wrong and leads to you remaining single. Don’t be picky, but prioritize a true connection over any connection.
#5 You’re stuck to a plan. When you were young, you may have thought you’d be married by now. So when you meet someone, your mind immediately reverts to that ideal. You had a plan and you still want to make that happen.
Being stuck to what you planned or what you wanted to happen prevents you from enjoying the moment and actually seeing where things can go in reality. [Read: Why you shouldn’t rush marriage even when you’re waiting to get hitched]
#6 You’re too fast. You try so hard to not be single, and you miss out on the best part of dating. If after one good date you’re expecting a relationship, you rush and sabotage something that could work if you let it flow naturally.
#7 You think you need a partner. You do not need to be in a relationship. Whether you want kids down the line or want a marriage or a partnership, you do not need that. Thinking you must get married to raise a family or be happy or successful can put extra and unneeded pressure on you.
Finding a partner is a blessing if you want that. However, accepting that it isn’t something you need will help you feel a lot more at ease about dating. [Read: Single for life – Enjoy the ride and find the one along the way]
#8 You’re scared. I get it. No matter how badly I wanted to risk it all and jump into a relationship, I was terrified of being hurt. Even when I did it, I was constantly in fear.
It is natural to be scared of getting hurt. Most of us bury those feelings down because we want a relationship. But fear has a way of rearing its ugly head without our say so. If you accept that you’re scared, you can take steps to face it.